Teoras empresariales

agosto 24, 2007

GESTIÓN TRADICIONAL: Tienes dos vacas. Vendes una y compras un toro. Tu rebaño se multiplica y la economía crece. Las vendes y te jubilas con los beneficios.

GESTIÓN AMERICANA: Tienes dos vacas. Vendes una y fuerzas a la otra a producir la leche de cuatro vacas. Te sorprendes cuando la vaca muere extenuada.

GESTIÓN FRANCESA: Tienes dos vacas. Te pones en huelga porque quieres tres.

GESTIÓN JAPONESA: Tienes dos vacas. Las rediseñas para que tengan la décima parte de su tamaño y produzcan veinte veces más leche. Entonces creas una serie de
dibujos animados llamada “Vakemon” y la vendes a todo el mundo.

GESTIÓN ALEMANA: Tienes dos vacas. Haces una re-ingeniería de procesos para que las vacas vivan 100 años, coman una vez al mes y se ordeñen ellas mismas.

GESTIÓN INGLESA: Tienes dos vacas. Las dos están locas.

GESTIÓN ESPAÑOLA: Tienes dos vacas, pero no sabes dónde están. Te vas a tomar una cerveza. Qué cojones!!!!

GESTIÓN RUSA: Tienes dos vacas. Las cuentas y llegas a la conclusión de que tienes cinco vacas. Las cuentas otra vez y piensas que tienes 42. Las cuentas otra vez y te salen 12. Dejas de contar vacas y abres otra botella de vodka.

GESTIÓN SUIZA: Tienes cinco mil vacas, ninguna de las cuales te pertenece. Les cobras a otros por guardarlas.

GESTIÓN HINDÚ: Tienes dos vacas. Las adoras.

GESTIÓN CHINA: Tienes dos vacas. Tienes 300 personas ordeñándolas. Te enorgulleces de no tener ningún parado, alta producción bovina y arrestas al periodista que publicó las cifras.

GESTIÓN GALESA: Tienes dos vacas. La de la izquierda esta buenísima… Tienes un problema muy serio. Deberías visitar alguna vez la ciudad y dejar el campo por una temporada.


MYASS

agosto 23, 2003

Memo

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.


Experimento para comprender la cultura empresarial

agosto 23, 2003

Experimento:

1. Se meten 20 monos en una habitacion cerrada. 

2. Se cuelga un platano del techo y se coloca una escalera para poder alcanzarlo, asegurandose de que no exista ningun otro modo de alcanzar el platano que no sea subiendo por la escalera. 

3. Se instala un sistema que haga caer una lluvia de agua helada en toda la habitacion cuando un mono empiece a subir la escalera. 

4. Se demuestra empíricamente que los monos aprenden rápido que no es posible subir la escalera evitando el sistema de agua helada. 

5. Desconectamos el sistema de agua helada. 

6. Reemplazamos uno de los 20 monos por uno nuevo. Inmediatamente intentara subir la escalera para alcanzar el platano y, sin entender porque, sera hinchado a hostias por los demás. 

7. Reemplazamos ahora uno de los viejos monos por otro nuevo. Este sera hinchado a hostias también y el mono introducido justo antes que éste sera el que más fuerte le pegue. 

8. Continuamos el proceso hasta cambiar los 20 monos originales y que queden unicamente monos nuevos. 

9. Ahora ninguno intentara subir la escalera y, mas aun, si por cualquier razon a alguno se le ocurre pensarlo, este sera inmediatamente masacrado a guantazo limpio por el resto de los monos; y lo peor es que será sin motivo alguno y sin que ninguno de los monos tenga la menor idea del porque de la cosa. 

..y así, queridos amigos, es como nace la “cultura” de empresa.


If computer companies made toasters

agosto 23, 2003

If IBM made toasters … They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters … You could toast one-sided or double-sided.

Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters … The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters … They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters … The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?… They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters … They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters … You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters … You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters … They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the NSA made toasters … Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters … The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters … They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters … “Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters … Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.

Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters … It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If SAP made toasters,the manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long. The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specific kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP’s experts as the “Best Practices” method of toasting that kind of bread. It would take a team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in the best manner, and then another 6 months to test it. In the mean time, your entire family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use the new toaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding toaster set-up and operation. Of course, the online help would randomly pop up in German.

But once it was running, you’d get the best toast in the world.


If computer companies ran Christmas

agosto 23, 2003

If IBM ran Christmas…

They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue
up or their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about
24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…

Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as
well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to
pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a
reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would
claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together.
It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made
them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types
wouldn’t work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…

It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years
earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…

Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the
tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would
be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for
‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.

Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…

“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to
hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…

The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone,
but no one would know what they were. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government
documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…

Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons
of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…

We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…

They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in
your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for
viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…

Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than
an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season
with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item
from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each
ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay
shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…

The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated
faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…

You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree
(all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…

The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and
would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…

The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about
them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your
own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas…

Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased
some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…

They would immediately change the name to WatMas.


El burro de 2 euros

agosto 23, 2003

Un chico de ciudad, Kenny, se fue al campo y compró un burro a un viejo granjero por 100 euros.
El granjero acordó entregar el burro al día siguiente. Pero a la mañana siguiente, el granjero apareció y dijo: 

-Lo siento hijo, pero tengo malas noticias, el burro murió anoche. 
-Kenny dijo: Bien, entonces devuélveme mi dinero. 
-El granjero respondió: No puedo hacer eso. Me lo gasté ayer por la tarde en el pueblo. 
-Y Kenny dijo: Vale, entonces descarga el burro. 
-¿Qué vas a hacer con él? – Preguntó el granjero. 
-Voy a rifarlo. 
-No puedes rifar un burro muerto. 
-Ya lo creo que puedo. Y si no, mira. Simplemente no le diré a nadie que el burro está muerto – dijo Kenny. 

Un mes más tarde el granjero se encontró con Kenny. 
-¿Qué pasó con el burro muerto? -le preguntó. 
-Lo rifé. Vendí 449 tickets a dos euros cada uno y obtuve un beneficio de 898 euros. 
– ¿Y no se quejó nadie? 
-Sólo el ganador, pero le devolví los dos euros y se calló. 

Entonces Kenny creció y se convirtió en presidente de ENRON.