Perl Sex

During _my_ Perl-absorption period, I caught myself thinking in Perl when I was being, ehr, intimate with my girlfriend. I was always thinking about how to codify the process. There were signals, subroutines, variables, device drivers, the whole nine yards (pun intended). It went something like this:

#!/usr/games/perl

$SIG{‘SLAP_IN_FACE’}=’cold_shower’;

@clothes=(‘shirt’, ‘bra’, ‘pants’, ‘underwear’);

foreach $i (@clothes) {
unlink $i; # fsck bedroomfs to recover } # zombie clothes later

@zones=(‘lips’, ‘breasts’, ‘legs’, ‘crotch’);

$idx = 2; # start with two minutes; each zone
# increases by one minute $oral = 0; # this should be run-time configurable

foreach $i (@zones) {
$idx++;
unless ($i =~ /lips/) { # lip massage? I don’t think so.
&rub(60*$idx, $i); # args are time-in-seconds, spot
}

unless ($i =~ /crotch/ && !$oral) {
&kiss(60*$idx, $i);
}

}

&mount; # expect to catch that SLAP_IN_FACE
# signal here (if not earlier)

&screw; # catches SIGORGASM

# We made it!
&dismount;
&smoke;
return(0);

Come to think of it, this goes a long way to explaining why I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. 馃檪 Oh, well, I’ve got Perl and emacs now, who needs anything else?

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